Old Pipe (OPA)

pancakemarathon
Jul 2
5 min read

Here is a humorous yet thoughtful 12-step program written in the spirit of AA, tailored for those who knowingly (or unknowingly) drink or use water from 100-year-old decaying pipes — with a blend of satire, truth, and social commentary:

💧12 Steps of “Old Pipe Anonymous” (OPA)

For those dependent on water flowing through rusted legacy lines

Step 1 – We admitted we were powerless over our plumbing — that our taps had become contaminated and our lives unfiltered.

Step 2 – Came to believe that a water report greater than ours could restore us to health.

Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our will and our faucet over to the care of water filters, as we understood them.

Step 4 – Made a searching and chlorinated moral inventory of every pipe, joint, valve, and shutoff we could find.

Step 5 – Admitted to ourselves, to our neighbors, and to a city inspector the exact nature of our infrastructure.

Step 6 – Were entirely ready to have the corrosion removed — if only someone would approve the budget.

Step 7 – Humbly asked our landlord, city council, or HOA to replace what should’ve been updated in the 1970s.

Step 8 – Made a list of all the body systems we may have harmed — and became willing to drink bottled water instead.

Step 9 – Made direct repairs to our hydration practices wherever possible — except when it would cost more than a month’s rent.

Step 10 – Continued to test our water and, when murky, promptly installed a new Brita.

Step 11 – Sought through petitions and plumbers to improve our conscious contact with clean water, praying only for safe levels of lead and the power to detect them.

Step 12 – Having had a semi-purifying awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to advocate for infrastructure reform in all our affairs.

🛡️ 13th Step Safeguard: “Don’t Play Plumber Without a License”

In Old Pipe Anonymous, we recognize that desperation can lead to dangerous decisions. The 13th Step safeguard exists to protect members — and their homes — from becoming self-appointed plumbing experts out of fear, frustration, or impulse.

The Safeguard Principles:

🧰 Knowledge is power — but training prevents floods. We acknowledge that while YouTube tutorials feel empowering, replacing century-old pipes is not a weekend hobby.
🧯 Emotional plumbing is just as risky as physical plumbing. Avoid making major repairs when angry, anxious, or desperate for control.
🧪 Protect the vulnerable. We do not advise or pressure newcomers to attempt risky DIY solutions. Encourage professional consultations and collective wisdom before acting.
⚠️ Respect the unseen pressure. Just because the pipe "held last time" doesn’t mean it’s safe today.
💬 Keep the conversation flowing. If someone seems overwhelmed by their plumbing fears, gently remind them: "You don’t have to fix this alone."
🏗️ Build support, not collapse. OPA is here to encourage safe, sustainable steps toward clean water — not emergency duct tape spirituality.

Simple Reminder: 👉 "We maintain our pipes like we maintain our serenity: one solid joint at a time."

🚰 The 12 Traditions of Old Pipe Anonymous (OPA)

Our common welfare should come first; clean water depends on unity, not individual faucets.
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a properly certified water test. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not pour.
The only requirement for OPA membership is a recurring brownish tinge in your tap water.
Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other homes, blocks, or watershed districts.
Each group has but one primary purpose — to ensure no one else mistakes rust for flavor.
An OPA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the OPA name to any filter brand, lest we lose sight of our rusty purpose.
Every OPA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining grants from bottled water companies and suspicious city contracts.
OPA should remain forever non-professional, but we may employ licensed plumbers where necessary.
OPA, as such, ought never be organized — but we may need a flow chart and an emergency plumber directory.
OPA has no opinion on outside issues — fluoride, bottled vs. spring — hence the OPA name ought never be drawn into public controversy (unless it involves municipal neglect).
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion — and people tend to be attracted once they realize what’s actually in their pipes.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, reminding us to focus on collective restoration rather than finger-pointing (unless there’s a leak).

💦 The 12 Promises of OPA

(If we are diligent and consistent in this work — even with patch kits and boiling advisories — these promises will materialize.)

We are going to know a new freedom and a new filter.
We will not regret the old pipes nor wish to shut off the past completely.
We will comprehend the word “clean,” and we will know peace — even if it comes from a pitcher.
No matter how rusty or contaminated our supply once was, we will see how our experience can benefit others (especially the neighbors downstream).
That murky feeling of doom will disappear.
We will intuitively know when to test the water, and we will act with caution and not just thirst.
We will lose interest in quick fixes and gain interest in long-term solutions.
Self-reliance will fade as we learn the importance of water-quality reports and building codes.
Fear of contamination will lessen as we install better systems and trust our efforts.
We will suddenly realize the city isn’t coming — and we are the ones we've been waiting for.
Our tap may still gurgle, but our spirit will flow freely.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes slowly, sometimes through municipal grants — but they do come true.

💧 Old Pipe Anonymous (OPA) Slogans

Beautiful. Here are the OPA Slogans — these are the little sayings that members can toss around while standing around the kitchen sink or waiting for the boil advisory to be lifted:

“One day — one filter — at a time.”
“Don’t drink the drama.”
“Easy does it… but test it anyway.”
“When in doubt, flush it out.”
“Let go and let plumber.”
“Boil before you spoil.”
“Rust never sleeps — neither should we.”
“Progress, not perfect plumbing.”
“First things first: check the pipes.”
“Keep it flowing, keep it safe.”
“Turn it off — and turn it around.”
“It works if you work it (and replace your fittings).”
“Filter your water — and your thinking.”
“Acceptance is the answer — but replacement is the solution.”
“Faith without filtration is dead.”

🛠 OPA Acronyms

Excellent — now let’s add some Acronyms for Old Pipe Anonymous (OPA). Like in AA, these can serve as little memory hooks or humor anchors for members of OPA as they navigate their daily drips:

O.P.A. — Old Pipes Await Or Potentially Asbestos Often Problematic Altogether Our Plumbing’s Ancient

R.U.S.T. — Residual Undrinkable Sediment Trouble Rust Usually Signals Trouble Regular Updates Save Taps

F.L.O.W. — Fix Leaks Or Worsen Filter, Learn, Observe, Wait Faith Leads Our Waters

L.E.A.D. — Let Every Analysis Determine Levels Eventually Affect Drinking Lead Exists Around Dwellings

P.L.U.M.B. — Please Let Us Maintain Better-pipes Pipes Leak Under My Bathroom

B.O.I.L. — Better Off If Lab-tested Boil Or Immediately Lose-trust

C.L.E.A.N. — Check Lines Early And Notify City's Longtime Errors Affect Neighborhoods

H2O. — Help 2 Overcome Hazardous 2 Often-drink