Flatulence Anonymous Recovery Team (F.A.R.T.)

pancakemarathon
Jun 30
5 min read

12 steps

F.A.R.T. (Flatulence Anonymous Recovery Team) – 12 Steps

We admitted we were powerless over our gas—that our lives had become unbreathable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than Beano could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our cheeks over to the care of that Power, as we understood It.
Made a searching and fearless intestinal inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our emissions.
Were entirely ready to have these digestive defects removed.
Humbly asked our Higher Power to remove our sulfurous shortcomings.
Made a list of all who had suffered in silence, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would result in crop damage.
Continued to take digestive inventory and when we slipped, promptly excused ourselves.
Sought through fiber, fasting, and farts to improve our conscious contact with our gut, praying only for knowledge of healthy choices and the power to digest them well.
Having had a gastrointestinal awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other gas-passers, and to practice these principles in all our movements.

13th Step Safeguard

The 13th Step Safeguard

To preserve the unity, dignity, and safety of all members—especially those newly seeking relief—F.A.R.T. holds this safeguard sacred:

No member shall attempt to ignite romantic, digestive, or co-flatulatory entanglements with newcomers under the guise of “helping.” Our job is to be of service, not to kindle fires—especially not in shared spaces. Just because we’ve cleared the air doesn’t mean consent is implied. Respect is the only acceptable scent.

12 Traditions

Absolutely — here are the 12 Traditions of Flatulence Anonymous Recovery Team (F.A.R.T.), lovingly adapted in the spirit of AA's Traditions, with both lightheartedness and sincerity.

The 12 Traditions of F.A.R.T. (Flatulence Anonymous Recovery Team)

Our common release comes first; personal relief depends on F.A.R.T. unity.
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a Power greater than the gas within, who may express itself through our group conscience.
The only requirement for F.A.R.T. membership is a desire to stop offending silently (or not so silently).
Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or F.A.R.T. as a whole.
Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the over-flatulent who still suffers (especially in crowded elevators).
A F.A.R.T. group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the F.A.R.T. name to any digestive aid, fiber supplement, or probiotic, lest problems of gas and ego divert us from our primary purpose.
Every F.A.R.T. group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside relief.
F.A.R.T. should remain forever non-professional, though our service centers may employ clean air technicians and soundproofing specialists.
F.A.R.T. as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they deodorize.
F.A.R.T. has no opinion on outside digestion issues; hence the F.A.R.T. name ought never be drawn into public controversy or dietary debates.
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of smell and sight.
Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities, and humility before hilarity.

12 Promises

The Promises of F.A.R.T.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our digestive inventory, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new freshness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the windows on it.
We will comprehend the word relief, and we will know peace (and quiet).
No matter how far down the intestinal tract we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That silent shame will disappear.
We will lose interest in blaming beans and gain interest in balanced meals.
Self-care will slip into the foreground as we gently release old habits.
Fear of small rooms, first dates, and group yoga will leave us.
We will intuitively handle gas-inducing situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that our bowels are doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Promise 11:

We will suddenly realize that our bowels are doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Where once we clenched in fear or lost control without warning, we now experience a calm rhythm — a healthy flow guided by mindful choices, grace, and humor. Our bodies begin to cooperate with us, not against us.

Promise 12:

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes slowly, sometimes loudly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Even when the process is noisy, messy, or humbling, the gift of dignity returns. Our fellowship offers proof that serenity can be found even in life’s most natural (and awkward) functions.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes slowly, sometimes loudly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Slogans

F.A.R.T. Slogans

“Better Out Than In — But With Wisdom.” (Acceptance, but mindful practice)
“One Toot at a Time.” (We don’t have to fix it all at once.)
“Don’t Hold It In — But Don’t Let It Control You.” (Balance, not repression or recklessness.)
“Progress, Not Perfection — Even in Digestion.”
“Release the Shame, Retain the Dignity.”
“Keep It Clean, Keep It Kind.” (Respect for others even in our honesty.)
“Listen to Your Gut, But Don’t Let It Lead the Meeting.”
“The Gas May Pass — But We Don’t Have To.” (We show up for life even when uncomfortable.)
“What We Don't Digest, We Must Process.” (Emotional and physical inventory work.)
“From Embarrassment to Enlightenment.” (There’s freedom on the other side of acceptance.)

Acronyms

Core Acronyms

F.A.R.T. Flatulence Anonymous Recovery Team

Fellowship for those ready to release guilt, not just gas.

G.A.S. Graceful Airflow Serenity

The goal is not zero gas, but peaceful, manageable release.

T.O.O.T. Turning Over Our Troubles

Surrendering both shame and control to a Higher Power.

B.E.A.N. Balance Every Appetite Naturally

Practicing wise food choices to support our gut and our dignity.

P.A.S.S. Pause And Surrender Silently

Before reacting to discomfort or embarrassment, pause and release emotional pressure first.

R.E.L.I.E.F. Recovery Enables Living In Emotional & Intestinal Freedom

A reminder that serenity applies to mind, body, and digestion.

S.I.L.E.N.T. Serenity Is Learning Every Natural Truth

We no longer deny our humanity — we embrace healing without shame.